Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
You Might Also Like
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
A short story of betrayal:
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*