Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
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Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.