Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
You Might Also Like
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah