her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
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a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Always 🥴
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate