I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
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Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
No Google it does not
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
you have three unread messages
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
*serious situation*
My brain:
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!