it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
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*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
My favorite farside!!
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.