Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
You Might Also Like
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
I had to Stop for this
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
My plans: 2020:
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??