I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
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Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?