The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
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Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.