I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
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At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
me after drinking all the wine:
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.