ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
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when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?