Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
You Might Also Like
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”