Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
You Might Also Like
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
TRAIN’S HERE
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.