Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
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Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
that wasn’t the question