Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
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*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
This did not end as expected.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
You had me at “define legal”.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.