Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
You Might Also Like
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Wait a second…
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.