If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
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I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Jupiter
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
We’re all getting idioter.