Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
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At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge