*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
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So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why