People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
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5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?