Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
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Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD