Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
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Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
mood
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous