TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
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Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.