I’m sure it’s fine.
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Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Cats are still liquid.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
And then there were 4
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden