The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
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My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
The Sun’s probably Asian.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.