my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
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Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
🤯🤯🤯