three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
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(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
In Canada they just call them geese
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.