I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
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She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
he’s doing your taxes
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid