Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
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“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Self-cleaning conscience
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.