They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
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A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me: