If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
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If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
(yawn)
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?