The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
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On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.