If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
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My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc