I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
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8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
sensitive skin
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Oh boy, $150,000!
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.