Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
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Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Potatoes were such a good idea
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down