I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
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*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.