imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
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Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything