Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
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A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
This guy gets it.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you