Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
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if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition