What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
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Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.