DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
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“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
I know this now 😂
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.