If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
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me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Monica just destroyed the internet
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.