Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
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Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
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