But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
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No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors