[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
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It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.