(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
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went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how