Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
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did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun