Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
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What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Netflix and you sit over there.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Raisins are grape jerky.