I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
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I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.