So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
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[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS